Are there any rural listeners to Radio Four’s the Archers still out there? I gave up listening years ago when the producer of EastEnders was given the job of making Ambridge more “diverse and relevant to the core issues of Britain today.” This new broom soon had Linda Snell moaning about countryside smells and campaigning for street lights because the lanes of Borsetshire were dark.
Mind you, fictional characters are not the only ones to moan; whilst in Newent recently I overheard a couple from the metropolis grumbling about dust on the pavements and “these people who haven’t bothered to change out of their working clothes and wellingtons before doing their shopping.”
For rural folk however all is not lost! After years of being maligned by the chattering classes Yokels may now have a weapon with which to fight back! We can now call ourselves Victims of a Hate Crime. This comes about because a police force has decided that, since Parliament has made ‘hatred’ a crime, it will make a list of the sort of things that would qualify.
In addition to the usual politically correct topics of race, gender, sexual orientation and religion, Manchester has gone further and visual appearance has now joined the list. So, for example, were I to lift an eyebrow at a young lady strolling along the Stockport Road in a mini-dress and sleeveless T shirt, whilst exposing tattooed limbs, nose rings, eyebrow piercings, earlobe extenders and metal spiked dog collar topped off with black volcanic hair; the girl in question could have me formally questioned for a hate crime against Goths!
Hate crimes against appearance are however small beer to the Lancastrian Constabulary. They also appear eager to expand the list to crimes to include accent, dialect and ‘other’ unusual behaviour.
It is therefore at this point that opportunities arise for rural folk! For example, were an urban visitor to give a disapproving glance as you open the 4×4 and two filthy dogs leap out from amongst the carrots, fifty kilos of chicken feed, a Larsen trap and assorted ironmongery. Oh, and the rubbish collected from the side of the road when stopping to pick up the dead pheasant that will do for lunch tomorrow: Were these same people then to sniff as you pop into Newent for torch batteries or mutter as you collect lamb creep from Ledbury and worse, should they choose to cross the road when you forget to change your socks. …. Whatever their adverse reaction rural folk could then cry. ‘Hate Crime!
It remains to be seen what wily Mancunians can make of this new initiative by their police, but I forsee fascinating times ahead for lawyers as a new generation of Pressure Groups arise, all clamouring to become victims. The police decision to make ‘dress’ a criterion to be considered in the lexicon of hate crimes leaves the way open for lawyers to argue that rural folk can also be victims on account of overalls, boiler suits, wellies and baler twine braces.
On the other hand, hatred is a dangerous emotion and, like jealousy, probably best left to others. This being the case, country folk will do better to work it off by planting beetroot and radishes or pollarding poplars in preparation for next season’s log fires. They could of course also volunteer to mow the churchyard which is good exercise, and likely to put hatred in its proper place.
Finally, talking about policemen reminds me of three dull recruits who sat in a row to be interviewed by a Tennessee police chief.
He said. “To be a detective, you gotta be able to detect. You gotta be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he flashed a photo in the face of the first man. “What do you see” he demanded? Immediately the man replied. “He’s only got one eye!” “Fool,” said the police chief, “his face is in profile. Off you go!”
The chief did the same to the second man who quickly replied, “He’s only got one ear!” The frustrated chief shook his head and said, “It’s the same picture profile. “Off you go!”
Feeling depressed the chief gave it one last try. Again he flashed the photo and said, “Did you see anything distinguishing about this man?” Instantly he replied, “Well; he wears contact lenses!”
The astonished chief said, “How can you tell that from a photo?” “Easy,” came the reply
“With only one eye and one ear he can’t possibly be wearing glasses.”
View from the Pew 